Are You Asking the Right Type of Questions?
On a recent small group tour, there were two people who asked 90% of the questions. You’re likely aware, but this is often “no way to make friends” with your fellow travelers.
Why?
Because while one or two people ask question after question, all others must stand there and wait until you run out of questions, or the guide finds a graceful way to signal “Let’s move on.”
In this latest example, one of my fellow travelers walked over to me and whispered,
“Oh, here come the questions again. Some people just love to hear themselves talk.”
That may sound a bit judgmental, but it did get me thinking about questions and why we ask them.
Most people think they’re asking questions to get answers.
They’re not.
They’re asking questions to get something else – and often they’re not even aware of what that is.
A better way to evaluate your questions isn’t open vs closed. It’s this:
What is your question actually trying to do?
Because every question carries intent. And that intent shapes the response you get.
The Hidden Motives Behind Questions
Let’s break down the most common types – not by structure, but by purpose.
Information
“What happened?”
These are clean. Neutral. Useful.
They seek facts.
But even here—be honest:
Are you truly seeking information, or just confirming what you already believe?
Opinion
“What do you think about this?”
These invite perspective. They can open dialogue A but often lead to:
- rehearsed views
- safe answers
They’re useful, but rarely revealing.
Affirmation
“Don’t you think this is the right approach?”
This isn’t a question – it’s a request for agreement.
You’re not exploring.
You’re validating yourself through someone else.
Probe
“How did you arrive at that decision?”
Now we’re getting somewhere.
Probing questions:
- uncover reasoning
- expose tradeoffs
- reveal thinking
These are the questions that separate observers from decision-makers.
Positioning
“Would you agree that this is the best path forward?”
This frames the answer before it’s given.
You’re guiding the outcome—subtly or not.
Attack
“How could you justify a decision like that?”
These are weapons disguised as questions.
They:
- challenge credibility
- put someone on the defensive
- escalate tension
Sometimes necessary—but rarely productive.
Paint into a Corner
“So are you saying you don’t care about people’s safety?”
This forces a binary where none exists.
It’s less about truth and more about control.
Offend / Belittle / Discount
“Did you even think this through?”
These don’t seek answers at all.
They:
- diminish
- undermine
- close off conversation
Once used, the discussion is effectively over – whether you realize it or not.
Endear / Ingratiate
“You’ve had such success – what’s your secret?”
These aim to:
- build rapport
- flatter
- gain favor
They can be strategic – or transparent, depending on delivery.
🧠 The Real Question
Before you ask anything, pause and ask yourself:
What outcome am I trying to create with this question?
- Clarity? → ask for information
- Understanding? → probe
- Alignment? → seek opinion
- Influence? → be aware of your framing
- Control? → recognize the cost
Because the moment you understand your intent, your questions become deliberate instead of automatic.
🎯 Why This Matters
Most conversations don’t fail because of bad answers.
They fail because:
- the wrong question was asked
- the intent was hidden
- or the questioner wasn’t honest about their goal
BEST in Small Doses
Questions are not neutral tools.
They:
- reveal you
- position you
- and shape everything that follows
So the next time you ask something, don’t just think about the words.
Think about the intent behind them.
Because the question you ask determines the conversation you get.
